Funny stuff

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Technician: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Technician: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Technician: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Technician: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Technician: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Technician: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Technician: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Technician: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Technician: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Technician: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Technician: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Technician: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Technician: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Technician: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Technician: Took hammer away from midget

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A Canadian Soldier was attending some university courses between deployments.
He had completed tours in Bosnia, and just returned from Afghanistan.


One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,

"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."


The Lecture room fell silent.
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God.
I'm still waiting."


It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold.
The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked,
What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied,

"God was too busy today protecting Canada's Soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole, so He sent me."